Our relationships. Our mirrors in our Life…
I had always believed I was a free-spirited person – totally for freedom in everything – and that I detested control of any sort. I had always tried to fight off any sort of control that I felt was coming my way either by parents, spouse, boss etc. I also always had this ‘issue‘ with my spouse on how controlling he is – deciding what is good for me, not good for me, what I should do and shouldn’t do, and I always resented anything the said/did/suggested because I felt it was coming from his controlling nature………and I went to my teacher with this problem – asking her to help me help my husband to not be so controlling!! 🙂
After some discussion and talks she told me something that totally shocked me – she suggested it may be possible that I am the one who is a very controlling person…and she told me that all of our relationships actually mirror our own selves in some way or the other! I thought this was ridiculous – and I felt she was completely wrong about this one this website. I rejected her suggestion and went back even more angry….and laughed at the mere suggestion that I could be the controlling person…..
And then came the introspection, the painful learnings and realization that what she suggested was actually true! Expecting myself to be the best in whatever I do, expecting my kids to be good, to eat healthy, to expect results from whatever I put in an effort into..to expect my helper to follow my instructions exactly and not deviate….were all signs that I indeed was the controlling person. It was a slow learning and many times I realized the instances where I was indeed controlling and not the free person I believed myself to be.
Even with kids – many a times we get irritated by some habit/behaviour of our child – it helps if we spend a few moments reflecting if we ourselves are projecting the same to them or projecting something that leads to that beheviour…are they reflecting our own insecurities or fears?
I realized what she said was true…we indeed find our relationships reflecting our innermost selves…those around us are mere triggers that bring out in us what we truly are. When I worked on myself, trying to let go, learning to let go and not be controlling of the results of my efforts or of things beyond my control I realized that my problem was solved! Maybe my husband changed! Maybe he never was controlling in first place…or maybe I inspired him
…or maybe he is still controlling but it doesnt bother me….Whatever was the reason, things changed for me for sure….and this helped me learn this valuable lesson – LOOK INSIDE YOU FIRST FOR WHATEVER CAUSES U THINK ARE OUTSIDE…
I am not saying that if you are faced with a murderer u are one..this is not to be taken in extreme or literal cases…but for most relationship issues like anger, control, possessiveness, insecurities, fears, discipline, perfection etc – what we detest in other may just be coming from our own selves…something we are holding or giving out…..If you feel the world is a hateful place, people around u are not trustworthy, look inside you….there maybe a lot of hate u are holding inside and there maybe issues with trust you have had since childhood….it always helps to reprogram ourselves since we cant reprogram the world!
I have stopped saying ‘he/she is this/that/so & so kind of person’ since I realize what I believe about people are all my beliefs and maybe my own reflections…..their reality maybe totally different!
I think being a therapist is also all about ‘treating’ my own self and discovering myself…..the clients are merely triggers and mirrors that show up different images of myself