Regression Therapy Tales: When the daughters carry their mothers’ burden

Regression Therapy Tales – a case study

It was not a coincidence that Both the girls (Names Changed to maintain privacy) had come to see me on the same day – Riya had come with her dad in the morning and Priya had come in the evening. Both girls were of the same age – both had huge hatred and anger for their father. Both were the only child of their parents. Both broke down in my cabin- saying they had anxiety and lots of negativity. Riya had daily anxiety and panic attacks – she had become aware of her parents’ marital problems from early age. She also knew of her father’s extra-marital affairs and hated him for betraying her mother. Besides, her father was very controlling and angry so she had a lot of past baggage of being criticised, scolded and beaten by her dad. Priya also had a lot of anger for her father for being abusive towards herself and her mom. BOTH THE GIRLS WERE VERY CLOSE TO THEIR MOMS.

When we started therapy, both the girls were able to release a lot of pent up anger. They had blocked throats – they had never expressed what they truly felt. For Riya we did Gestalt work – allowed her to scream and break free from her own barriers. The Empty chair therapy helped her get a complete understanding of the energy matrix between herself, her mother and father. Through that exercise she realized that she was actually holding all her mother’s anger and frustration towards her dad and it was not her own!! After she released all moms’ energies (that she had absorbed from age 5 onwards) she suddenly exclaimed that she is now seeing her father as a totally new person! In her words “Last I had seen this person (father) when I was 5 yrs old!” The session made her realize that for the longest time she was holding her mother’s pain, hurt, anger and betrayal for the father – and it was not her own!

Priya also had the same experience – she realized that she was the sounding board for her mother and while the mother prided herself on sharing everything with her daughter “I have shared everything with my daughter – nothing is hidden from her” she didn’t realize that it was not right to do that! Priya ended up carrying her mother’s baggage and anger towards the father! She also returned that energy to the mother and felt very light and free after years!

A few weeks later upon follow up Riya said her panic attacks and anxiety were totally gone. She was able to clearly define her boundaries and each time her mother or father dragged her into their issues she was able to step back and clearly refuse to be a part of their drama. She was final able to make peace with her past and her father. Her father was very happy with the change in her – but her mother found it hard to accept this new version of the daughter and complained that she had become indifferent to her issues and problems (because till date mother was used to Riya sharing the burden of pain with her). She sees her parents as two individuals and she is working at renewing her relationship separately with these two individuals! She feels she has finally come out from the dark space she was in, and is ready for a new fresh start with her studies and career.

Priya also said her focus and attention are back. She is finally able to get clarity on her career and also be neutral towards her father. She feels super and very positive. Her mother is also not very happy because Priya also refuses to carry her mother’s grief, pain and anger anymore and wishes to finally be ‘herself’. But Priya is feeling very good and confident that she is finally free from all the negativity that was carrying! Her energy now vs when she had first come to see me is totally different!!

Often times children carry their parents’ energies unknowingly. They are like sponges. And if they are particularly close to one parent or care-taker they would absorb that parent or care-takers emotional energies – be it anger, grief, pain, sadness, anxiety or joy, happiness, confidence or courage. It’s a package deal!

Mothers who try to ‘be friends’ with their children when they are still young, and share everything with them, don’t realize that in doing so they are offloading all their negativities to the child who ends up co-sharing that burden. The child starts feeling the same emotion as the parent and doesn’t realize which of those are her and which are the mothers! Mothers feel that they have shared and eased their own burden but don’t realize that the child is not capable of bearing that burden and its not hers to carry in the first place! If she has an issue with her husband, its her problem, and the daughter can still have a healthy relationship with her father. The father to the daughter can be very different from the husband to the wife!

Children need to learn to develop their own unique relationship with each parent and not be drawn into the drama between the parents. They need to be free to be able to respond and emote from their own inner authenticity vs being merely the carriers of their parents thoughts beliefs and emotions. They need to learn to claim their own inner selves that have been lost in the process of holding their parents burdens and traumas.

Sharing the WHO-5 Wellbeing scores and MDI Depression scores for both girls before and after the therapy – the modalities used were Regression Therapy, Inner Child Integration Therapy, Empty Chair Technique and Relationship Drama (or Hypnodrama) as well as some energy modalities.

Ririi G Trivedi (she writes Regression Tales and conducts training as well as individual sessions on Regression Therapy).

Write to [email protected] if you have any queries or comments about Regression Therapy Tales.